History Jokes

Creationists say, of history and geoligists, don't make a monkey out of me,

Hillforts were a good name, as somebody probabaly thought of them on a hill, most probably, seeing these structures, so they were hill thoughts

The Aral Sea used to be a bigger sea, so long time no sea, That is the best joke about the Aral Sea, I have ever heard or said,

People say that in 1912 when Oates, left the igloo, on Scott of the Antartic's trip, saying I may be some time, he was making a act of sacrifice, maybe he had just found a winning National Lottery Ticket, and wanted all the money for himself, so got a get away.

Which era was the most friendly the Pally olithic

Which era did people sunbathe the most the Bronzed Age

Who would be the referee of a tennis match in 50 BC, a Roman Umpire

Stanislaus of Szczepanów, St. Stanislaw was born at 10.30, that is 1030 AD not 10.30 AM

What about when you go to the doctor when there is nothing wrong with you, just to scive off work, you must seem like a super hero to the doctor with some problem he knows nothing of,

Which barbarian, down with their raids of course, would be good at telling jokes, I tell you the hun, Atilla the Hun, as that is what he would say before his jokes,

People said, but Caesar did you ever suspect people were plotting against you, when they were inviting everybody except you to meetings, he could have said, he thought they were planning a suprise birthday party,

Just imagine you were at the Spartan battle, where the Persians beat many times less Spartans, one time, in the modern era that would be like driving your car, and beeping at somebody who overtakes you in a dangerous way, and seeing there were loads of people in the car, and them all going to attack you

In a way you could say the Persians won, as the victory is what counts and that is all that matters,

The Spartans army was looking a bit Spartan after that battle where it fought the Persians, in the movie,

So Tolkein, was feeling unhappy, thinking up a new story, people could say to him, at least you have your elf,

As Columbus discovered America he could have played loads of games not known about in the Americas yet and been declared the best in the Americas at them

A good name for a sock puppet would be a Socrates

In the 1640s Civil war in Britain both the tyranical Kings, and Cromwell, who was better than the kings, claimed God was supporting them, surely this was like using drugs in sports, and they should have all been disqualified, and the republic should have been led by the Levellers instead,

Which empire should have invented pens, the Inker Empire, Inca Empire,

I read that Rasputin, was poisoned shot, felled, and drowned, in the assasination of him, it was not his day,

When in Biblical era Holy Land, Philistine says your great work of art is rubbish, all you can say is he is a philistine so you no come back towards him as he is a philistine,

Should they return the Pyramids to the Faeroe Islands,

And the asparaguses which hold the pharoehs in them

Think of this there was the stone age, the iron age and the Steel age, what came before all these, well I hear it was a age, when they had something even weaker than stone the pleistocene, or plastercene or something, yes just all that playdo, just imagine trying to attack a T Rex for your supper, with a lump of plaster cene like that,

I see that in the year 216 BC, there was the battle of cannae the romans lost to Hannibal, its amazing they didn't just surrender after all there is the saying if you cannae beat them join them,

Which birds would be most likely to be a Communist 1930s Leader of a huge country, Starlings.

I was in a museum, and the huge bone was in a glass case, I said, what is it, the curator said it was a mammoth bone, I said, I can see it is big, but what is it of,

So a joke for the future, for people who have just won a football match via their rocket boosters on their feet, after winning the world cup of the match, the fellow says, I am just trying to keep my feet on the ground, I am just trying to keep my feet on the ground, the interviewer says, oh come on calm down, then the guy takes off, I told you, he lands 20 metres away.

That French fellow "Cyrano de Bergerac" must have feared King Louis XIII and Cardinal Richelieu, after all they did persecute and kill many Hugenouts huge noses. people,

People wonder who killed JFK, well once you have removed all the possible people that could have been the villains, then the only remaining option no matter how ridiculous must be the answer, so it was a hippo wearing a doctor's mask, in the study, with a candle stick,

So many ghosts are from the past, what if they had a tooth ache, I suppose they could use a trans cen dental person

That manager who won the league, I wonder if he used the same technique I use in Championship Manager, turn it on and off, so I win every game and win every trophy 100 years in a row

What about God recieving all these presents at Harvest Time, doesn't he say, I already have a tin of sweetcorn, I already have a tin of Plum tomatoes, of course I do I am everywhere, blah blah. especially as you are giving me the things in the main you don't want, why would I want what what you don't want, that is ridiculous, that is like giving a millionaire your rubbish as a present, here I am omnipresent, and you give ME the stuff You dont want, but if you give them I say carry on, it may help somebody, ho ho ho

I see Paul Potts won a ITV X factor style talent contest, this is like when people say thats how the Nazis came to power, about Traffic wardens, and such, yes we should fear the nazis, and stop them, about things, in this case, they were almost right it was another dictator,

What about in JFK when they have a triangulated attack on JFK as a conspiracy theory, just imagine they lined so they all accidently missed and hit eachother, as 4 people,

Here is something that in a way is funny the tyranical French king who ruled in the 1790s, when he tried to flee, he was recognised as his face was on the coins, so people recognised him, in a way it may seem sick, but then again dictators being executed can not be that upsetting.

In a sense he was in more trouble than a onion near a French man's soup

Just imagine passing a car in the 1980s that had the first baby on board bumper sticker, and in it was a man with a dummy in his mouth driving

Just think what it is like to see a new animal you have never seen, and just imagine it was a small monkey that stole your bag, and ran away and ran about you, that sort of thing has happened in history, not that theft is funny it is bad,

Maybe when cricket was invented people used to say did you see the cricket and people would say oh it is on the fence, and now they say it about the insect and people say oh yes, they won by 8 wickets

I said it would be good if I taught Latin at this night school, as I do not even know the word for failure in Latin, I was doing well in the interview, but then I said and also any other word in Latin,

I heard somebody who had a long name he said it was bravo bravo oscar and loads more it turned out he was just spelling phoneticly

What about in those movies when they have 2 seconds left then the bomb is turned off, well just imagine they did it 2 hours before, in a 1 and a half hour movie that would make the running time minus 30 minutes, or they would have to sit around doing nothing for 1 and a HALF HOURS

Wouldn't it have been better if that low life scumbag Ghenghis Khan was called Ghenghis Can Not, then he may not have gone around killing millions of innocent people.

People say the Brutal pig and tyrant Henry VIII, got married allot, but as Anne Boleyn may have said, was it that many times, after all you could count those times on the fingers of one of her hands,

What about Clay Bertrand in the Film JFK after this film his name was mud,

What will You Tube seem like in the future most of the comments sections, will seem like all the watchers were drunk, it's either people who are flying hatred at each other, people mis interpreting words and starting a argument, or people starting a argument for the sake of it, or people saying this is the greatest song ever, I love this, Yes they might,

What about people in the Hurdles finals, they have done it 1000s of times, then there is always one runner who falls over, what do they say Oh just a little bit more practice, ho ho, I am only joking, they are very good at what they do,

What about that comedian who used to give a taxi driver a tip of a tea bag as he was so mean, well that means if you were a mean tipper and only gave a penny, you could look with honest horror as this man gave such a small tip,

What about Greenwhich mean time maybe if the term was created in 1980s New York Harlem, it would be Greenwich Badd Time

What about in a boxing match somebody says a fly has landed on your head the man stops to let the boxer hit it he hits it and wins,

Just imagine after Noah was asked to make a Ark, God the day before he planned his flood, then came along in the sky looking at him from above thinking everything was going to plan, then he looks down, and all Noah has done is buy a small rubber dinghie, and it's burst too, and Noah's just lying on his settee eating crisps, saying, I thought thats all you wanted,

People have for decades if not centuries been debating what has been termed the Irish Question, do Lepricorns really exist

Why do some places in Afghanistan not like being given bins with criticisims of the 1990s Talaban regime covered in them, Oh some are bin laden

Just imagine a History lecturer said we have to remember that people from the stone age era are far more like us than people imagine, then the TV showed him, and he was holiding a big stick, and going ugh ugh with a fur things on,

A Joke fact improved on a prior joke on another page of Ours, isn't is amazing, not funny just amusing, that the Successful Socialist President of France was called Francois Mitterand, lets think he was Ruler of France, like a Metre and of France like Francois, Francois Mitterand is like a cryptic clue to his name.

Somebody could walk into a old art gallery, and say I forged them all,

What about the time it rained frogs, just imagine a insurance salesman had gone around selling all sorts of insurance to everybody, from onion falling on your head, to your house walls turning out to be made of jelly, to frogs falling on heads, and he had to pay outto the people it rained frogs on,

Or for a joke when asked who was the greatest American you could say Abraham Washington, and say as the asker gets amazed, he defeated Spain in the War of Independence, and that he signed the Louisiana Purchase, that joke is better for British History as it is a longer period, when asked who was the grreatest Brit, you could say Winston Shakespeare, he invented the printing press, defeated the Armada, and abolished slavery,

What is the point in having 3rd party insurance, what are the likelyhoods, of Ross Perot scratching my car,

What about in a 1800s based time travel episode they could say man tarvel faster than the horse, why that is impossible, that is as likely as man flying to the Moon by 1970

What do you call a stegasorus with Piles, a Very-sore-ass

What about Quentin Matsys's painting, the Ugly Duchess, maybe that was the first passport photograph

What if he had really annoyed her by then painting a self portrait and it was the spitting image of Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise,

People say Real Madrid have won the most European Cups to 2009, but what about Imaginery Madrid, they ahve probabaly won 100s, they just say lets pretend we won that many

What about those books, which have very long amounts saying what not to do, the do's and the sometimes pointlessly obvious dont's, which also usually just completely say dont do all the things I was doing and maybe loads of obvious ones, maybe the guys in the movie halloween, and texas chainsaw massacre, had got the do and donts mixed up, in books, like dating books, also the same for the guy in the shining, he saw the bit that said, dont write need drink all over your walls when trying to have a happy holiday, he did not read right, and did not see the bit that said what not to do. it could be the same for psycho, and loads of others too.

Why did the bird watcher go wack wack, to the ducks, in the past as he heard they hated ques

What do you call a James Bond Villain who had ran our of toilet paper, Brownfinger

What would Frank Sinatra use to pack his grammer phones, bubble wrap, after Michael Bubble

Alfred Mossman Landon won only Vermont and Maine as a Republican candidate in the 1936 US election, maybe the day before the election he said, I don't know what your worrying about, I've visited all 2 states of the union, then he said, oh wait a minute,

Who was the funniest ever man from outer space, Steve Martian

People say physicists are clever, yes well yes, surely they are the cleverest, but what about what I heard, that when they did the first atomic bomb, in Los Alamos the South West USA, in the 1940s, they were taking bets on the possibility of the world ending, who was betting on the world ending, and what was he going to do with the money

People say Bill Clinton thought of the joke It's the economy stupid, actually I did, like when I go into shops, and am just about to leave, and I did not buy the USB cable as well as the printer I am buying, I say, when the shop guy says did you not want to buy this as well, I say, Of course I did stupid, hey I do not really,

People say that being ahead of your time, is bad, but what about being behind it, I thought of John Lennon's Imagine song, only 20 years after he did, and what about all the other Beatles songs, and all other songs I have heard, like the Rolling Stones ones

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