I was sitting at the opera, rigeletto, rigeletto, I was sitting there so long I got rigeletto.

I always say yeah rigeletto, ministroni, they are my most favourite great composers,

My least well articulated joke of this page, I was in the dentuist I shouted aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh, I was given a bravry stocker after,

followed by the only riddle, I make,

What Tom, is a load of red liquidm tomato soup

But now back to the humour, but the best jokes are my football jokes, way below

I met Elvis, I accidently stood on his shoes, and he said aaaaghh, don;t stand on my blue swade sues,

What do road men say when they are given a cup of tea ? Tar very much

I was looking at my court papers last weak, I have been trying to get the banan isles, exempt from tax haven status, as part of my way of attacking tax havens. The judge said he would allow the banan appeal. but then he dropped it. Sadly I slipped over it, and could not get my case together again, and have been banned from all legal affairs, and fruit issues. the banana peal, has been dropped.

can I press you to a custard pie, that what a I say as a waiter,

I was saying yesterday, when applying for this job, I;ve got a great memory, a great memoryr, you can't beat itm, it's as god as this err, this err, com whtaisishname, it was a computer,

You know I got a job as a swimming pool attendant after, my job is a waiter, I was fired as I thought the money left in the locker was my tips.

I always have to be chucked out oif pound shops, As I always que up to ask, and how much does this cost, for every single item, (to any non-British people, I shall tell you pound shops, are shops that only sell goods for a pound)

I always say to the garage at my annual, MOT, when they fix thinsg, that I knew they fiddled with it, last time, so I would have to get the stuff fixed, so i am always barred from them

I suppose stupider lords, are always boasting about how much they have helped the harvest, and suns rays today, as priests are always saying in huge emotion, thank the lord for the sunshine, thank the lord for this and that, some are probably saying, during it, well i suppose I can take most of the credit, for it being sunny, but I don't like to boass, and the priest say, be quiet I am commending the lord, and the lord says, i know thank you.

What is the capital of Austalia, Canberra,

What is the Scottish version of the God Saves the Queen, the English national anthem,

Booooooooh.

Why do some Dutch people, hate their monarchy so much, as it tried to ally with the nazis. the ones that do not are scumbags

My best jokes are below,

You know the thing about us being twins, we have made a deal, to share the money we make from our businesses. Sadly I always renege on this and my brother pulls at the cheque and I do not let him have it, and it rips, so we get not6hing

Imagine those people are who do not know who Tony Balir is in Opinion Polls. there is always a percent who do not know the name of the PM,. they are probabaly all millionaires, via some so called talent, buuuuh

They say that people who do not howl at the Moon, are not suitable, for husbands in these parts, they do not have the wearfwolf all.

I was in the internet cafe and all the people were moaning I was not letting them look at my screen, they were saying hey get a look at this guy man, he won;t klet us look at his screen, what a snob, hjey this guiy is a real snob, all the people from outside the local; shop caem and truied to look, and said he y pal, let us look man,

Alan Shearer says he is giving up serious football. in season 2007,(this means he is retiring, people say) so just imagine, he scores the 2008 Fa cup final goal, that puts a Newcastle team that had 2 players injured in the attack, including their goally, in the last monute, into 1 minute from winning their first big trophy for a few decades, but it is dissallowed as he is wearing a clown suit, and carried it in into the net after passing the goally.

The doo doo monster which comes up toilets otherwise known as the commode o dragon, in Medieval times,

A site saying some great jokes.

This is our best jokes site, and voted by us the best comedy site on the internet but I have some great jokes below,

But some more jokes down the page

This scumbag was talking to this person, and sdai, hey mentally ill person, the person said, i am not mentally ill, the scumbag said, hey never said tnhere was anything wrong with being mentally ill, then laughed snidely, then the decent person, said the scumbag ws mentally ill, and the scumbag wwent i'll get you i'll get you grrrr, anyway

More jokes below this list of links to sites,

A link to the script of the hilarious comedy Magellan

Measure site http://www.lonympics.co.uk/measures.htm

A link to the semi joke, semi seious http://www.lonympics.co.uk/horsesanddragons.htm

I was waiting at the bus stop, I was told the next bus will be a long, in a minute, I waited, 20, I was horrified, as the next driver said, yes the bus will not be long, only 2 minutes, aaaaaaghhhhhhh

Here is a page of other jokes, but there are more jokes below

http://www.lonympics.co.uk/jokesmore.htm

A site on the scottish league of the imagination

http://www.lonympics.co.uk/ImaginaryScotishleague.htm

A site on giant sloths

http://www.lonympics.co.uk/giantsloths.htm

http://www.lonympics.co.uk/East.htm CIA propaganda on East German automobile, the Trabant.

A site saying some ideas of how to improve yourself

http://www.lonympics.co.uk/improveyourself.htm

http://www.lonympics.co.uk/reword.htm Just imagine the US declaration of independanmce was written by a man who loves cakes, see here, I sometimes get a bit fat too.

My Internet home page, has gone too far, today it said, as it's no 1, entertainment headline, Eminem, going for No,1 you may say there is nothing wrong with it saying that, but do you know wajhat it had as it's second ENTERTAINMENT headline, Chuck Moodle, suffers, mild hernia, cdome on, what is entertaining about the famous disck jockley suffering hernia, nothing.

How do you con a fat king, pour chocolate over the item he will buy it, even if it is broken chocolate computer

I wore tomato scent today as I split tomato soup over me,

Who is the most famous person ever to play for aberdeen, Rod Stewart

Most famous intelectual, the Norweigan, person

What Scotsman was first to cicrumnavigate Earth Macgellan

Football jokes

I felt proud that I made a 90 yard pass to somebody, the bad thing was that he was only 7 yards away from me.

I was captain of a team, and I saw one of my players, having an argument with the referee, so I said, I would have a word, with him, as I felt he may get sent off, and this could jeaporidize our chance of keeping this draw, then I took a fish out of my pocket and hit the referee with it, so we were all sent off, and lost to them 4-0.

I was appointed manager, of the team, its as in the interview, I said I did not know the meaning of the word defeat, by the end of the season, I lost all the matches, 7-0, the Chairman, asked me, how do I account for my record, I said, well at least I have not lost any matches, then I remembered, sorry sorry, I do not know the meaning of the word defeat, now I remember, it's when you lose, oh yes, I quit,

I always said, if we put a few more players on we could get a goal, back, so we had to forfit a few games as we ended up playing with 22 players, my assistant did not understand what I meant, I meant replace some of the players with susbstitiutes,

Ive' never seen my team lose, well where were you when we lost 2-0 today, I could not be bothered wsatching the match, I never watch it,

I signed a new player, who I felt could incite bravery into my team, a few matches before the end of the season, if we won our last few matches, in a row, we just could get into the play offs, to avoid relegation, he always said he was brave to me in the interview with me, in the press conference he said, when asked if he was scared of the task ahead of him, he said, I am not afraid of anyone, anyone, no one , nobody, anuthing, or any whatever, then in came the opposistion team striker, for the next day, and my new signing, stood up and ran out the door, saying help, but that guys terrifying, he scores all the time, i quit aaaaaahhhhh

People say when I am playing football, it is like watching Brazil, yeah the Brazil national circus of clown falling over ers, hahahaha ,

I was able to referee a last match, between the 2 teams who could be relegated with us, instead, of yellow and red cards, which I had none, of, I stuck my fingers, for every bad foul I stuck my middle finger up at the player, and for every terrible one, I stuck both up.

I signed a goally for our team, as I heard he was great at saving, I drove along, and drove past a advert which had him on, We got back, and he was in goal, all he did, was shave with his shaver, yes he was shaver of the year, this was not good enough,

One time we had the pleasure of seeing a top Brazilian player, who was a expert with his left and his right foot, we in our team had a similar skill of every player not being able to play with either his left or right feet,

What do you call a Communist assasin, who assainates a Italian 1930s dictator, who killed a million people, by dropping 100 pizzas on his head, so ending the Fascist regime, the Pizza Resistance,

No wonder the Finns are called that, the saunas, reduce their weight so much.

Just imagine for Jaws the modern version, if their was one, so many super stars wanted to be in, that one of the stars was the shark, and every tinme he crashed through the boat, his face was there, and he was saying I am a shark, I am a shark, that would be the worst movie ever,

Have you ever noticed that in the movies the baddies can not shoot at the heroes properly, maybe it is as they often have monicles, or bad glasses, or maybe they never get any training, or maybe they like the hero too, and do not want to get him,

Something tells me all these James Bond Villains, do not want to really acheive their aims, of global domination, they always tell Bond what they are going to do, their acts are just mad cries for help.

I was standing outside, a cafe shouting, free lobsters, free the lobsters, I always said, free lobsters, it was part of my campaign, to stop the boiling alive of lobsters, sadly I attracted huge customm, to the cafe,

Here is my campaign agaist lobster torture http://www.lonympics.co.uk/lobsters.htm I do not really stand oustide cafes, shouting free lobsters.

MORE JOKES

What does a dog say when it is not barking, it woofs.

What does a sheep say when it is unhappy bah humbug

What does a mean christmas sheep say, bah humbug

What does a sheep say after its turkey is eaten by itm bah humbug

As I am driving, I say, do not crash into that car, when people do not, I can claim credit

People are a bit snobby in Britain unless you start speaking in tehri dialect

Sheeps fave composer, baaah ch

I bought a floating magnet globe, and it was good for a while, you know the type that use two magnets to hold a globe in mid air, sadly the bottom one broke and it started hovering around my room, causing a mess.

Remember the time, James Bond producers asked me to write their new script, I took 2 years, I told them I called the script Jason and the Argonauts, they were a bit suspicous, in the end I gave them the script it was the script of Jason and the Argonauts, they said you stupid fool. I had taken so long I forgot what I was copying.

a MAN comes in as elvis for celebtry stars in tehri eyes, then says he is going to be madonna.

I would like a biscuit as big per head as babies get, and yoghurt

Yeah they were syaing it is not torture to be put in solitary confirnement, then they left the leader alone, for a while and he started going mad wanting to takeover eth workld,

I know the lizard conspiracy theory is mad, but why is there a act in Congress under way to allow green headed 8 foot tall lizards from austria to become president of the usa, you start wondering if it is truye after all, i a m joking

I am going on holiday to America, with my sister, whuch state, alaska, what you have to ask your sister, ,

I see people running on the spot and say see ya

I was watching video adds, against pirates, they were saying do not be a pirate, everybody was sayiong they wanted to be a p[irate, it sounded a fun copy iof history, although yes crime is wrong.

I went to a Thai cafe, I ate the dish cloths, but they complained, even though it was a tie restraunt, whats the difference, they are both cloth,

Why do vets not like ducks, coming in, as they always say quack quack.

What if the a-team went into a place to try and get parts as plumbers, and were then told yeah we do need plumbers come and fix this, and instead of sorting evyething out they just fix the plumbing, or ruin it,

18thCentury Joke

Hello old boy, I hear that the King's pals are making more money from slavery than ever before, especially those is that isle in the Carribean

Jamaica,

Yes his evil forces took them across the Atlantic in ships, against their will,

People always say in some movies, it is not the preident who is bad, it is the advisors, what if the it is actually the advisoer, of him, then thim, then thim, and the person advising him the president, and the persopn advising that guy, is the president,

What about in the aprentice Donald Trump is on the last round, and the boat is sinking as his 2 last contestants are so badly chosen, and he is saying I knew I should never have done this, coz they are on a liner, comopeting to be richestm, a liner he owns,

Why are all Americans, barred from re-enrty to the USA, as their auntie is American, they are Auntie American,

I see our rival cafes are having a sea food, special, yeah so much sick, you can see food regurgitated

I am so messy eating in my car at lunch time, I accidently covered it in ketcjhup, and crumbs, it was so bad, that a MTV programme thought I had Pimped, my car, and awarded me first prize,

I got some ear plugs, for when I was drilling, the picture showed the, in a women';s ear, so on tehy bus I stuck them in women's ears, I was arrested foe 1 day.

What does a North African say when he has a cold, a Tunisia,

I saw a old ambulance stop outside my house, I said, it looks like Sherlock Holmes, has been taken ill.

I go to mints around the world, and I always say, i collect money, and they give me a few hundread quid, as I say I do, hee h eeeh,. I do not have to do any quid, as I live off that.

I was phoned up today by a service asking if I would like a course in reading people's minds, I realised that the correct excuse against people like this, like versus double glazing specialist phone peiople, is to cliam you already have it, so I said I already can read minds, thye then said, help help, he knows we are con artists,. lets quit

Intresting thing about brisbane, is it is the place where cool, is looked up most on Google Trends, hey does that mean people from Brisbane, are as cool as me, the coolest or the least cool, anyway here is the coolest site ever

I am fed up of always, having to be the not taker, at our comittees, maybe it is as I come wearing a that shirt I ahve with the label, note taker, on my sleeves,

At the local sports match, I had to wear a guard over my crutch, I forgot , it so my brother threw me, one, and it hit me there.

Just imagine James Bond, was called James Sheeps bottom, there provbabably are opeople cvalled that, well done I say, then he would say at the casino, the name, James, James Sheepsbottom,

I am amazed people always look at me, as if I am crazy, when I say my political opinions, maybe it is as I stick my tounge out at them and splutter my face around ta them at the same time,

The first person to think of the electric light bulb must have been inspired by the idea, when he looked in the mirror when he had another idea.

I walk through the forest and squirels, and badgers, and cats, get stuck to my body, and can not get off, it is called animal magnetism,

A Great index of Comedy and joke sites, 100s of jokes, are 1 click away,

Present Idea website, A top Class website for people thinking up that Gift Idea

http://www.lonympics.co.uk/jokesagain2.htm More great jokes

http://www.lonympics.co.uk/Coooool/Cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooolesssssst.htm

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