A site saying some great jokes.
A Great index of Comedy and joke sites, 100s of jokes, are 1 click away,
I got a fittness instructor. we paid 20 pound an hour
After a while of him saying do this do that, we said, hold on, you do this you do that, we made him do 1000 press ups, and bring us cups of coffee, after all we were paying
I have a friend who is dylecic
Yes I have a freind who is dyslexic, he also had bad eye sight, yes I told him he should go to a optician, he was getting appointments for 10 months, I said, why have you not got glasses, turned out he was seeing a octopus.
Yes see a optician, talk about a abusive statement, you know I have problems with my eye sight they say, and you say see a optician, talk about taking the piss, "i mean see, see", thats my problem, my seeing,
What is the most macho name for a town in the world, Man Chest Hair.
As I say, there is this guy who says he never takes any shit from, anybody, ho ho ho, he is lying, as actually he is a manure collector so he takes it allot,.
What about a commentator on the Marathon, could endlessly make this joke,
It looks like those shoes are running out of time, it looks like that man is running out of time, emphasising the word running.
Just imagine the fellow talker with a Commentator on a football match was the lead singer of the band, Chicago, and there was a player called singh, on the pitch, then every time, the commentator said Sing, the adviser started singing the glory of love.
Why are Volcanoes so fertile, as every body is shitting manure around fearing a eruption, hoh hoh no its not that its well read it up,
I always say when I go to a garden festival, look here, there is a right and a wrong way to hold a cactus,
I say this the right way, I hold the pot, then I place it down,
Then I say this is the wrong way, I lift it up by the plant, aaaaaaaahhhhhhh
I was asked has anybody else bought this products you are selling in this market, I said, well she did not, he did not that person over there has not, no nobody has.
I was asked why did the Evil Roman Emperor, spawner, Caesar, invade Gaul, well it is obvious, they were so gaulling. He used to go to parties by them in Marseille. And they would have their expensive dinners, showing off, He would try and show off, he would say, he has just put down a mortgage on his first house, and they would say, oh yes I sold a house like that 3 years ago, I have seven homes, I sold that one as it was too small, Oh but well done.
These people who claim Pop Idol is a great informative educational programme, that teaches the world, that some people just are not able to sing are idiots, I told the, oh so you are saying all the pop stars are famous as they are great singers, they said, no some are famous as they are attractive, I said, oh so you are a famous critic as you are handsome, ho ho ho
They were talking to the head of the horse society yesterday on the country programe, the man said so as heard of the society what is your opinion, on this, and the man standing beside a horse said nothing as a horse said his opinion, it was him,
Being from Abyssinia, and Bahia, must confuse people, you go up to the tourist person, and they say where are you from, you say Abbysinia, and the tourist person says, you going already, then they ask your religion, and you say Bahia, and they say, still going,. Yes why do we find this joke and the word Abyssinia, so funny, and delightful, I suppose it is as of the human need, to laugh, and be happy, yes that is why all people find that joke funny,
What does a dog in Doge of Venice's Medieval court say, about items for sale, being judged on for their reliability by the court say, are they bone a fido, in other words are they for the dog. dog ha ha yes it is almost the same as dog and is of both are said in a way like them,
What does a Spanish school report to a lazy pupil say, must try muchos muchos harder,
Why are bees so well behaved, as they are all told, and hear people saying, be have, be nice, be quiet, so they see themselves as a example,
I said when a fart occurred it is so nice a smell outside and so bad in here,
Whatever people do people condemn, you if you are a student they do as you are a student, if on dole the same, if get a job, they do and say, he's not doing it well, or he's stealing another's, or why don't you do some of it for me, even if you went to Greenland, 1000 miles away from anyone, they would say, get out of the way, you are in my view, they would trek all the way just to say that
People say Caesar said, et tu brutus when he was stabbed, actually he said, I feel like I have been stabbed in the back,
Why should you not buy a Stan And Ollie, mattress, as you should never rest on your laurels, well except sometimes,
I saw Frank Bruno was doing a pantomime, yes the audience were knocked out by him,
A comedian from Lonympics land went to the Montreal Festival, he did impressions of the Lonympics land trade minister, and only 1 person in the whole 7000 crowd, laughed, a person from Lonympics land
I went to my doctor I said, the nub of my foot is hurting, can you massage it,she miss heard and I was banned from there,
Can you hear me at the back. nobody is laughing
What does an escaped torture victim say to a torturer You stretch my back and I stretch yours.
My brother bought me a Mr Big number plate and all the gangsters started following me about in their cars, when I drove to America, you could not believe the line of traffic behind me in Chicago.
What do Pluto and my links have as a difference one is self explanetry the other is ex planetry (said after Pluto was stopped being called a planet in 2006 or 2007)
Just imagine prisoners cried the same way some babies do, grabbing onto the bars when they are put in play pens, they would be let out immediately,.
I was asked to give directions to a place which really could have inspired Walt Disney so I told them And they walked to the place where the 6 foot talking mice models are
Just imagine, an anti animal rights party was elected to government, they would put up signs, like, watch out deers and badgers, ahead, drive faster,
What about those people, who you see twice in Supermarkets and they say, I'm, not following you, More on that joke, a couple of lines or so down,
What is superman called, when he is unneeded, superlative man, still OK, I suppose,
What about a documentary where Am an searches through random bins, and picks out toothpaste tubes, and paper, and says now what is this, hmm, why would they throw this away
, Back to that followed in supermarket joke, Then after all that it ends up being they are looking in your window, at night, and say, it's OK I'm not looking in your window at you, OK I admit it, am following you,
Why is a polar bear often slow, as it can ho hoh ho, BEARly move
I saw a winnabago, pulling a car, on the road, I said, now I have seen everything, a caravan pulling a car,
I could have said, what world is this, ice cream, cones line the road, caravans pull cars, this world is too crazeeeee for us we must fly back to planet Earth
Toe the car, press your toe on it,
I saw a horse trying to jump on another trying to give at a piggy back, I said, to a pal, hey whats that doing, hey just as a joke, I knew what it was doing,
I saw someone one, say they spent 10 million pounds on a 10 carrot diamond, I said, here are 10 carrots shaped like a diamond
I wonder if the Lascaux caves, were really the first French restraunt
Subliminal adds that dont work, eat cheese and onion crisps.
What sort of people carry most pocket books, they are normally huge, they must have big pockets, which also store entire computers,
I saw a skeleton, picture I thought it was including the skeletons' organs, actually it was a drawing of a skeleton that had eaten, spaghetti
I saw a football manager said, he knew he was not really doing hard, work, I mean he said, at least he is not a coal miner, or a slave of Amazonian women requiring more children, you know used by them in that way,
I bought a present for my brother it was an eye pad, he was always going on about it, the eye pad, they e pad, he said he could listen to music on it,
It must be annoying being a pilot, Always having a man on the airport lading area, doing those abusive hand signs at you.
They put our comedy show on late as it is too rubbish not too rude,
Why should you not give a Frenchman, your V to look after, as the French always say, no matter what SELL A V.
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/Jokesfreeforusebyrsmith.htm but I have some great jokes below,
But some more jokes down the page
If you have any complaints please send a e-mail to the extra writer of this page Mr Hammaby
He writes allot of the sites, now, he will put up is e-mail address soon. for us.
Here is his email address
chammaby1979
followed by @yahoo.co.uk
If you would like to buy any of these jokes for 10 POUNDS please send him a email saying why and he will tell you how you can. And you will have absolute rights and we will take the joke off this page after the deal is made.
This scumbag was talking to this person, and said, hey mentally ill person, the person said, I am not mentally ill, the scumbag said, hey never said there was anything wrong with being mentally ill, then laughed snidely, then the decent person, said the scumbag was mentally ill, and the scumbag went I'll get you I'll get you grrrr, anyway
Jokes about the Yeti Humour filled ideas about the Yeti,
A
link to the hilarious comedy
Measure site http://www.lonympics.co.uk/measures.htm
A link to the semi joke, semi seious http://www.lonympics.co.uk/horsesanddragons.htm
I was waiting at the bus stop, I was told the next bus will be a long, in a minute, I waited, 20, I was horrified, as the next driver said, yes the bus will not be long, only 2 minutes, aaaaaaghhhhhhh
Here is a page of other jokes, but there are more jokes below
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/jokesmore.htm
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/jokesmore2.htm That page's sequal
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/jokesagain.htm And more jokes
A site on giant sloths
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/giantsloths.htm
A site saying some ideas of how to improve yourself
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/improveyourself.htm
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/reword.htm Just imagine the US declaration of independence was written by a man who loves cakes, see here, I sometimes get a bit fat too.
The ducks and geese in our local pond are crazy they are totallllllly Quakers.
Imagine being called Gert, and being the man who takes orders at your cafe, I mean the regulars in America would come in an say, Yo Gurt, he would get them Yoghurt, and they would say come on I was only saying Hello
What mountains range is the largest in Russia, Ural find out later,
I hear dog insurance is good, there is not a cats/catch
Joke Quiz
What is the tallest mountain in the world, the clue is it rhymes with jeverest
What White House does the President of the United States live in
Which animals with long trunks, that are the biggest in the world, are most famed for their long memories
Which Lane was known by Superman
Which vehiccle inspired the term, slow coach
Which black haired man sung Don't step on my blue suade shoes. http://www.lonympics.co.uk/jokesfinality.htm More jokes
Which emotion do you want
Humour Music Food ? Horror Personal Development Laughter Art Magic History,
People say Disneyland, is in America but what about how the pen I have was made in Korea, so that is where it is.
What about a show where you have a grandfather clock, and one man steps inside the arms go backwards he steps out and says he was just Napoleon, then another gets in, and he steps out and he has a elephant masks on, and he says I just went back in time to the local chip shop at 6 o clock
What about in one of those panel shows, where people ask questions from the audience. When one of the people like me ask questions from the audience, but we have to read it out, as we are too nervous, well it sounds like my question is being read out, about the subject of asking what sort of policy we should have on this, but 10 sentences through people start to realise I have decided to read out a 10,000 word essay on the history of Mesopotamia,
US and USSR are virtually the same names
Car Cheap Insurance - Get Cheap Car Insurance from here
Toilet Paper sometimes looks like Rambo
I was watching a advert, and a comedian in it, said, we make sure the raspberries in our jam, are top notch, and I thought to myself, why do they expect anybody to believe he is helping make their jam, what if I walked along and saw in a factory window, him just making it too,
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