I was driving along and I saw a lorry with Horse furniture written on it, I thought to myself, yes Horse transport, big call for that, furniture transport ditto, but horse furniture, who wants that, and even if you did get one very rich horse phoning, up all they would hear, is heeeh heeeeeeeeh. And the man answering the phone, would have to say, Can you give me your address, but he would not be able to get it, as the horse would not be able to tell him,
People would phone up and say Hello I would like to transport for my horse, Another for my furniture, the people would say, I do not transport that, then a few months later, a horse would learn to speak and phone, up, and they would say, with a new person, there, I am sorry we do not sell horse furniture, that business fell flat,
I went for a check up today I was told to take off my clothes, funny thing for a dentist today,
Seroisuly i did, and it only took 20 seconds, I said as I left F U F U, No I did not really,
I here my best pal, fatso, been attracted to the idea of climbing Everestm yes, he was attracted by the idea, of 10 chocolate bars, fior energy reasons, the thing, is he also brought 190 giant tubs of icecream, and 10 big pies, and 10 big cakes, 10 cokes, and 10 super larges bags of sweets, and 10 super macs, he did not climb it in the end, he did the samer in his campaign to be the strongest man in the world,
I saw a guy, go to the dentist, he went outside, and ate some ciggarette shaped sweets, by the smokers,
At work today I was phoned, and a man, started giving his number for the message, I did not want him to know that we have all the phone numbers of people, on our Telephone, who ring, and after the 8th number he gave, i repeated the 9th for him, He was so shocked, he thought he was in a episode of the Matrix, or it was like a episode of Columbo, when a murderer, says he was shocked, that anybody would want to kill his victim, and is told, nobody told him he was killed,
Somebody phoned up my pal, who works, for the emergency services, he said, help we have run out of toilet paper, the emergenyc service guy saidm, i am sorry we only respond to emergency situations, the re3spondent saidm this is a emergeny situation,
I have been sending out allot of scripts lately, many became Oscar nominated, yes Oscar Piddleoo, nominated them for the recycling bin
If you have any complaints please send a e-mail to the extra writer of this page Mr Hammaby
He writes allot of the sites, now, he will put up is e-mail address soon. for us.
Here is his email address
chammaby1979
followed by @yahoo.co.uk
If you would like to buy any of these jokes for 10 POUNDS please send him a email saying why and he will tell you how you can. ANd you will have absolute rights and we will take the joke off this page after the deal is made.
My hilarios anti Royalist joke, Why does the Queen be a good farmer, as she is full of bullshit
Sherlock Holmes, walked into a building of old, cats,. and smelt the stronmg whiff of urea, Dr Watson, had wet himself
I was in a lecture, and someone asked if there were any evidence of animals, on a old pre-historioc isle, i thought to myself who is he superman, is he going to fly there and save them
Anglesey is the Alaska of Wales
What about that thing that the fcat is Starsky and Hush, was based on these people, who said, things Like, I never swore like that old, boy, yes we do things by the book, I I actually never carried a gun,
I have a friend, who is a brain surgeon, he comes back home, he talks to his family members, they say, how did they let you out early. He says, well I was, as its so easy, you know, it;s not rocket science. But who is sitting there, by the sink, it's his younger sibling, who is sitting there, he got home a bit earlier, on his rocket (in the 1930s USSR rocket science department, - which eventually got a man into space), he says, well i got so early home, as it's not brain surgey. ,
And then they look in the paper, and say hey look here a job for you, highly inteligent, super brained, able to do huge caulations, in 2 seconds, can speak 70 languages, and needs a nobel prize for pysics, but it's not for you as it needs 11 University degrees and you only have 10
Do you like a laugh, then why not buy some Joke products from this Joke Shop Company
Who does not say I do not take any shit from anybody, A 19th Century Manure collector, in streets,
Remember in Jurassic Park, when the dinosaur, T Rex comes up and puts his face near the car, if I was there, I would have rolled my sleeves, up got out of the car, wound my arm, round and round a few, times, and then said, as the T Rex looked bemused and such, here goes something, and then bashed it in the mouth so it flew 100 metres away, then the other nearby would run away with it's arms in the air.
I saw a man in a acar and a dog was behind him so he loioked like he had dogs ears,
Why does Stan who wears much satin, fear the Church so much, as miss speelling priests who say down with Satan, always forget to add the first A, also he really is upset as he wears satin the others always say down with satin,
I have had to make a official complaint about my local frozen food store, the packaging always say stand for 2 minutes, to do with the microwave, I have broken 3 already standing on the microwave after a while breaks it,
I have written a Book how to get fat
Lonympics is very popular, I mean its got loads of viewers, 6000 vierwes a day, and 6000 viewers a day can't be wrong, yeah but they all say its rubbish, no they say it is brilliant 6000 a day
I say cookies, cookies, yes for our delicious dishes site, people will want cooki9es, not get their spy system to get them off,
Which Computer likes cookies, the Cookie Monster
Why not make a special mirror that has
a computer image in it, that when you look at it, it says you are the most beutiful
of them all,
More links
My Hilarious fishing trips over the border.
Including the main page for jokes
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/Jokesfreeforusebyrsmith.htm
http://www.lonympics.co.uk Index site
Comic word association
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/comicwordassociation.htm
Most embaressing moments site, hilarious
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/mostembasressingmomentssite.htm
A link to the hilarious Movie, Magellan the movie
Great jokes include, a lord saying why are yopu weeing in my bath butler, the butler says, urine my lord
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/magellanpart1.htm
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/magellanpart2.htm
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/magellanpart3.htm
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/magellanpart4.htm
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/magellanpart5.htm
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/magellanpart6.htm
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/magellanpart7.htm
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/magellanpart8theextras.htm
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/magellanpart9whytherecanbenosequal.htm
I always like watching movies, with the sound, off, it reminds me of the 1920s,.
When I go to the toilet I say, I am just sending my shit oin a mission to the sewers,
We were told use shock tactics, to sell items, at this markerting school, One man, jumps out on people, and says, do you want to buy this tourist map, off me, , with a man, who runs around saying, free feet wear free feet wear, if you buy this tourist map,
Why are so many birds so nervous, as they have butterflies in their stomach
I ordered jam free photocopier paper, i said where is the free jam, when it arrived,
Yoghurt yaught
Why don't the state pay a man to walk around Canada, as the Yeti, and another as robocop,
What is a cow's fave hobbym listening too Moo sic
A man gave me a horse as a gift, the problem was I kept looking at the horse, in the mouth, and so hard, that it ran away,
I saw a tv programme and one of the speeches was so long, by one of the people on it, I think it was the Athens, 2004, Olympics, I said, she was speaking so long, it was like James Bond, was under the stadium, trying to beat a terrorist plot, and the speech was just being said by ghettoblasters, around eth stadiunmm, while the real action was James Bond, doing his stuff. well done the speech writer, and speech maker, for being able to make such a long speech, great success, better than any evil people,
Trade unions have recentkly be fired from a tissue firm, they have started picketing their noses outside it,
A really bad horoscope is a horrorscope
Just imagine a porn poice man came around to all the internet cafes, ssayinfg what are you looking at
Just inmagine someone moved to a desert island to get away from omodern life, a shipment of mobile phones washed up ringing all day
There are 2 schools of thought in the stockmarket, lunch is for wimps, and lunch is all day, i am only jokingm, actually i am a great stockbroker,
Yes I always do rubbich at it though
You go to an award ceremony and are nervous,. but all the people on stage have been asked to look at a face in the crowd, they all look at you
You walk onto stage in a micheal jackson style backward moon walk
Which bird is told the world is your oyster, the oystercatcher
Which insects is told be yourself, a bee,
I went to the award ceremony, I was wearing fancy dress, I had misread it, it actually said, wear formal clothes
I wonder if Peter Falk from Columbo finds it hard to make friends, I mean every time, he befriends them they think he is concoting a case to say they were a murderer
What is the loudest noise in the world, that women, in love island, and their pals on radio 1
Hey working in a cowbell shop must be bad, people say, give him a bell, they just meant a phone call,
A good magic trick, is to write Abraham Lincoln, Abraham, from the Bible and Abraham Simpson, on piece of paper, and ask someone to name 2 abrahams, then when they do, you pull ouyt the one, and seem like you can read their minds,
I hit my head on a shelf, this was me hurt by myself,
What do you call an office heavy metal band letterhead,
A jelly millionaire,
I saw a man whose van had broken, down, and stopped by him, I went up to him, and said, your van has broekn, down, he said, yes, I said, that is the least of your problems, he said what is it irreperable, I saidm, thre is a small dot of piegon doo, on the sign on your van, he said yes that is the LEAST of my problems,
People who wear superman t shirts must get sick and tired of people saying go and save that collapsing oil tanker, stop that forest fire, avert the flood, carry that car to the garage
What horses look like with wigs
A good April fools day trick is to say i amk going to past a letter, when they fall for it, you say april fool, then next time, you say, i am just going to post a ltter, then you canm say fool you once shame on me, fool you twice shame on you, third time, you canm say to have lost 2 times is foolish, to have lost three times, is even more foolish to quote noel coward
A wasp is in eth car, and it;s likle the movie jurassic park when a dino is in the car, you go aaaaaaaghhh.
People who look for Golf Balls, in Golf Pitches, and then sell them onto the club owners, are always looking in the lakes, and rough, so they must look like the worst golfers, forever,
People in soap operas, should say, to the TV, audience half way through, stop talking about me, it's sending me xcrazyeeeeee
x can be pronounced like C so that was no miss spelling) like the word Canada could be spelt Xanada
THE WORD continuous, is like it sounds, Continue the letter U it does it twice for no good reason,
I parked my car in a scarp yard, and it was taken apart, they thought it was for parts, (Only joking my car is graet)
THe news, the stories are often the sme again, I said when they were interviewing me about the contraversy this is the olds.
A page called Ha ha ha ha ha, as it is more jokes
And next to last of our last jokes page, of our many joke pages
Comedy Shows, as a resource for History now and in the future
But this one here really is our very very last joke page A Great index of Comedy and joke sites
Our index page of jokes, our best jokes site, with links to loads of jokes pages