Jokes

The proof their should be censorship of movies, is how warped, many of our critics are, they are so nasty (cheers and whoops from the audience).

You know, we in Britain have a big problem with speaking foreign languages, you know when I was on holiday in the Greek Isles last year, I said, to the waiter, when he was asking what I would like to order, I wanted to order a special lamb dish, but really sadly i got the order wrong, I said please can you bring me a octpous, and squid, that I can put on my head, and throw at your wife. It is what I brought, I do not speak Greek, I was saying all that in English, but you see it's problem.

Our politicians have such a bad reputation, they black mail prostitites about going public Look at http://www.lonympics.co.uk/

Today Ia m recovering from trip to America, in America I was given a meal everybody was saying would be delicous, it was jarkey, they said it wastheir special feast on Thanksgiving day, they said everybody liked it in America, I was looking forward it turned out to just be a lump of chicken fat, with a sweet tatse, they said I could have it all as a thank you to Tony Balir helping them out in Iraq, I had to eat 10 lbs of it, and was sick, it was disgusting,. and have only eaten, it as the only food, I finished it yesterday, I was sick everyday, anyway topday I phoned up and orderd 10 gallons more,

I walked past a second hand car dealer, and decided to make a joke, I decided to shout I am crazy i am crazxy everything must go, 60 pounds for this car, ia m crazy i am crazy, sadly i forgot to add the bit about the cars and money, and I was outside a home for the seriously deranged, so was put in, for a few weeks. they let me out as I was boring the residents

I have gone on an Atkins diet it is not the cakes, and chocs that make me fat, it is the bread.

This is not true I would not behave like this,

it is a satire on scumbags who are on busses and say openly they hate old ladies slowing the bus, or old people, moaning about inoffensive people like me, and hard nosed business ideas

Today I was on reception and a doddery old lady phoned up, so I said shut up, up, after giving a long angry reply about how Old ladies you know, phone up everyday, at least a couple of times, I told her for a few minutes this, Look at http://www.lonympics.co.uk/

She did but then said,she was the president of our organisation, and was so impressed by my standing up to her that she would appoint me manager, as nobody normally speaks to her like that,. I then said, im' sorry sir, sorry sir, so she said, she did not like lick spittles and dropped me back to my old posistion.

I made that joke up as a satire, on hard nut business men, i would not really do that,

A good idea,. is to seduce a woman, then driver her up to a rimantic place, then take out a placard and place it down the road, when you pass it, you say look this is a toll, road, fee 100 pounds, then she pays the 100 pounds, yopu pass it to the imaginery person, and you have 100 pounds, and that is that

What do you call a man, who wears a red scarf,

A man who wears a red scarf , scarfie

If you are just about to be fired on The Apprentice, a good idea, is to start singing, which shall sweigh the decider

What are the biggest football team for growing vegetables, Man Ure united

i was in the hairdresser, and they said do you want to see the back of your head, I said, no no, I will never see that, I walked about, and i saw in a mirror there was a huge custard pie stuck to it

I said when Wayne Rooney signed for man united 23million smackarooneys, that would have been a good headline

Maybe buy this bumper sticker and perhaps traffic wardens will not bother you, or other people, maybe, just or maybe not or maybe

Have you ever noticed Roy Race looks like David Beckham

I had to get a new exhaust today, I had to pay 200 pounds, I was exhausted

People talk about the Mesoptamians, but what about their great rivals, the tidy potamians,

I went to have a curry yesterday, they said, it was in the new deli, so I flew to New Delhi, and they complained it was just the delli, around the corner,

What is Mozart's fave sweet, Schubert dip

I hear a Hibs player has joined lomotiv Moscow, they will have to call him the flying scotsman

I have been working os hard today, i have been working my but off like a monkey with worms,

Here is a way of making money, Go upto million pounds national lottery winners, and say hey here is that 5 pounds, I won the national lottery 10 pound thing today, we said we would share 10 years ago if you remember, then say hey, have you won the lottery rectly.

I hear old fatty, one of the writers of these jokes, is a great charitable person, yehh, apparently he wanted a role on the comittee for helping the poor and needy, yeah he wanted a roll, 3 beef burgers, 2 baguettes, and a coke, oh yeah but he on a diet, so he said make that 3 diet cokes,

I was saying to my lecturer, and he was amazed, I thought his lecture, was so good, I thought he was almost as inteligent as me, his eyes popped out of his head, at this tremendous compliment, but it did not stop him making my marks, lower after this.

A dj is in the back of a taxi, and talking like he does on his show for 10 hours the driver goess agagagagagah Look at http://www.lonympics.co.uk/

I went to the doctor he insepcted me and said there was nothing wrong with me, then I opened my mouth and my tongue was yellow, with red multi coloured spots,

A good trick for newspaper underocover reporters is to hide behind newspapers, with hole sin

A commentry on a movie where somebody says how bad it is, no not funny, too unfair Look at http://www.lonympics.co.uk/

If you have any complaints please send a e-mail to the extra writer of this page Mr Hammaby

He writes allot of the sites, now, he will put up is e-mail address soon. for us.

Here is his email address

chammaby1979

followed by @yahoo.co.uk

If you would like to buy any of these jokes for 10 POUNDS please send him a email saying why and he will tell you how you can. ANd you will have absolute rights and we will take the joke off this page after the deal is made.

Up there there was letter P, on the board I had to delete it, Look at http://www.lonympics.co.uk/

It was not the first time I had to wipe away my embaressing P.

I am so fast I am writing like diareha from a cheetah

Waht has 4 legs, and a trunk, and is grey, and has big ears,

a 4 legged mouse with a trunk Look at http://www.lonympics.co.uk/

What does souperman do.

Eat soup all day

I was watching tg today, and a reporter asked this huge wrestler if wrestling is real.

The small reporter, then was grabbed and put in a head lock, and asked if it is real,

The reporter then did a move, he made the wrestler fly over his back, and on the floor,

The reporter said, no. Look at http://www.lonympics.co.uk/

What do you call a political Arnie whatcich nator, governor of california, Look at http://www.lonympics.co.uk/

A one term inator

I'm sorry I had to stop writing for a while, I caught miximatosises off my rabbit

Today I was nmistaken for a supermodel, i am a man, but she had bad glasses

Why does the Loch Ness Monster always only appear as a blur in photoes

He is so fast, this is why nobody ever finds him, he is so fast. you can never get him down then see like back Look at http://www.lonympics.co.uk/

Imagine nowadays people had to give their surname as what they were doing.

They would be called things like well loads of hilarious things, like procurement officer, and head of IT departmentma nd cafe critic. web developer, and ballet

In documentries they always go to Ameria, for no reason, for money, They might aswell say the guy they are doing "he may have worn a gold ring like this" "he may have holidayed for a year in world tours like this, etc tec,

I hear the Michelin man

has been on a diet

he now is a few old bycycle tubes

I hea the michelin man has resigned as of nbad ttreatment

he is going to do his true love retraunt critic

My hilarious misunderstanding converatation

Hello do you see that pilot fish

I can not see a pirate

Where is the pilot,

Good day to you

I was talking to some big skinhead, he said his job, was looking at ladies, on the beach as a amateur with binoculas, to see if they are doing anything illeagal. He does it as an amataeur

More jokes

http://www.lonympics.co.uk/jokesagain.htm

Hre is my list of opposites of winning the lottery

Being drafted to fight in awar, for any side

Being hit by a meterorite

Being drafted to fight something

Geograpghy teachers must be being bribed by Kellogs to say never eat shredded wheat

I was making these jokes, to a audience, they all laughed, actually as they were just thinking of some jokes

I was hearing somebody say league cup league cup, i said have you got league cups,

I only stop in the big city for a toilet break, to where I am going

Why are skin heads often murderers, because they are paedophiles,

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