Jokes for people to laugh at,

I appear on breakfast tv, and are asked to read the papers, when asked have you read anything I say no, then I speed read, turning the pages over in 1 second, and say 27mega bytes, of info, news today.

The only thing I say, is, What about a news item, big foot sighted in Canada, and then it just shows a 10 foot high shoe. in the forest.

My team of scientists trying to find Yeti failed, they kept on saying have you found yeti, they kept on seeing big foot, and they said not yeti not yeti, so even though they saw him, and noy the yeti we got no pictures.

I always drive after 90 mph hot pursuit police cars, it gives me a advantage I shout get out the way we are in a hurry

A speed camera never lies, Just imagine they sent that in speeding fines, to speeders.

What do you call a fast pig on a road that overtakes you, a

Roadhog

For intelectual jokes you should laugh hoh hoh hoh

And for others hehehehahhahaha

Just inmagine in a record breakers programme the soldier put together a gun really fast broke the record, then when he put it up for a attention, he put it against his shoulder then the gun went off and broke one of the lights

You may say i should not wear a coat inside but would you talk to the fonz (happy days) like that

I like wearing a piece of paper on my back which says, I am not stupid,

I say to rich people, from my car, I make more money in my lifetime,than you make in a hour

High Jumpers do not sound very impressicve when they are injured and never able to mdo their sport again, Footballersd, are abvle to say, i may never be able to run again, High Jumpers, say I might never be able to jumop again, who goes jumping around everywhere,

What about how older people often think us younger people, are incredible experts on computers. Well we are sometimes, and often compared to them, but what about a youngster on weork xperience is asked to sort out the Pentagon computer system,

What about a guy who is able to befirned anybody, who goes on athropology trips, and he leaves our house cussing, and stuff,

Why was Rab C Nesbit a good Stockmarket man, as he was a in vest or,

What is a ghosts fave food, eyes cream,

I am just going to France where I will have a qui qui in the Louvres

What is it with the French obsession with the toilet, and they are just going to Di John Dijon at times too

Why are carbon in there message pads, good for the enviorment, as they are carbon free.

Why do tips not manage to allow anybody in, as they are refuse tips, refuse people

As I say bird doo is supposed to be lucky, so My car is covered in so much I must be the luckiest man alive.

What about the stalkers club that set up the stalker cluib of that celebrity, then the celebrity joined, and he was talking about himself, all the time, so they said, shut up, your banned from our club.

This is what happened to a man, maybe wrongly arrested for bestiality, He said, he was sorry for being late as he was feeling a little, horse, and as the Shetland pony, was feeling funny, and in the next field, so the farmer, started running after him, the man ran away and crashed into a well, and was asked do you feel ok, he said, I am feeling dazy, the farmer says, feeling daisy, daisy has been mooing funny too, you sicken me,

He managed to talk myself out of it, but then said, as I walked round the corner I'm feelin lucky, The farmer said feelin lucky the dog, that makes me mad. he had to run away.

Another time a farmer told me, that some cows are more traditonal than others, for instance the most wise and respcted ones, are the married ones, (not always the case for humans at all) and you can tell the married ones, by the ring in their nose.

Why du people in Alaksa, not like bears, because when they phone up the buerocracy, the office people say, bear with us, wait 5 minutes, yes it is always the bears fault, for any wait.

What is the Sexiest town in Wales, Llan said fred (like llansaintfraid)

People often think that curling is a game where you push large stones down a ice sheet, actually it is when you twist your back, you have to do it in a really cool way,

Isn't it funny how major football teams trvael by coach, the cheapest form, of mass transportation, after Air and train, they are all going by bnus, these millionaires.

Intresting fact, I have met nobodty famous other than politicians, I have passed 7 famous politicians, and been talked to by 2, well one, I was so stand offish he could not get near me, as I was on my bike, it was an accident, by me, but is it not funny polirticians are going around meeting people like that, and the only other form of famous person I met was a footballers, leaving a stdium, who were shocked to see us, as we were just passing, and they had had an embaressing defeat, so they looked shocked. Anyhow, its the same for the rest of my family, only politicians, are the fanmopus people they have met.

A garbage man, is arguing with a lord, the lord says I am a lord I outrank you, why should I listen to you, (That is my satire on rich people and garbage men, and the class system)

Which sea bird is trying to give up smoking, a puffin

I was aksed to write a joke about the government increasing the amount of university graduates, I said I would never surrender tho this scheme, which is just a conspuiracy by people who never went university to moan about people who went to university, and so able to bully youbnger people, I said, notI would not do it, not even for a million dollars, so he said, OK, then I said, OK I will do it for 50 pounds, then 20 he said no.

This is observational humour at it's best

I did some football hooliganism, today, some people from the opposing team, were walking along, so I went behind the door and stuck my fingers up at them, they could not see me, bit I did that,

People say the Roman Empire declined after 200 ADA, AS it became degenerate, I think that is a lie, as it was beforehand, had people who may have lit fire to their own cities, people who killed, entire groups of their peope they knew, gave their horses awards, killed people in bizarre sicko watys, declared themselves emperor, and all that, while all it did after 200AD was become Christian, I blame the starting of more serfdom, style ways,

What were the Egyptioans sphinxing about, building the pryramids, in the dessert, Were they in de nile, about where would be a good place/

I have to shout to my brother when he I am speaking, he is not deaf, he just wears industrial strengh head phones.

I said, I wonder if he may be deaf, as he did not know what Rakmananovs's, unwritten sympthany was, I said, that to be cleverm, but thre was non so I looked none,

I must be the second Lenny Bruce

I tookover a football team, and the players said it's great you do not do that reverse psychology technique of every time we lose 7-0 you jump on the floor and say we can't win we can't win, like the last manager, the last manager said it was not reverse psychology

If you do not find these jokes funny maybe apply for a operation to have a funny bone,

People say you can change the channel if you do not like my views, in comedy shows, when they are offensive, but the ttype of regime's they want, you would not be allowed to, as they like dictators,

i was asked why do you always go into Meadow Field, at the end of each day of work, I said, it is as the headmaster said, you must find your chosen field. for work

What does a andriod, have told to him, before he is about to meet his manufacturers, prepare to meet your maker,

What about a joke where 2 intelectuals put long words, to try and outfox eachother, and do not understand eachother

I always wash my new t-shirts they may have been made by people picking their nose.

What about on the dragons den, the programme where people try and make entreprenuers accept their bsuiness ideas, why not, have a hypnoise masgchine to make them give you money

The manager of the business attached lifts to the backs of shoes to keep employess on their toes.

When I was in bed, I thought I used to be able to hear peaccokc,s it was just my nose,

Where are the most expensive hats in the world Man Hat On,

How do some rich chefs not like hot dogs it is unbelievabnle

Think of all the stars being named by that star naming company that means there is a sophisticated alien race, of super fast space craft, its called thinmgs like Planet Marlene, PLanet Jim, and Planet Soggy the cat, as someone here named it after their pal,

I was so happy today, I picked up a trumpet I have never played, that instrament before, and played a song for ages,

Wjhat do suicide bombers, and Charles the First and Marie Antonette, have in common,

They are both considered martyrs by deranged lunatics.

If you have any complaints please send a e-mail to the extra writer of this page Mr Hammaby

He writes allot of the sites, now, he will put up is e-mail address soon. for us.

Here is his email address

chammaby1979

followed by @yahoo.co.uk

If you would like to buy any of these jokes for 10 POUNDS please send him a email saying why and he will tell you how you can. ANd you will have absolute rights and we will take the joke off this page after the deal is made. or if you like we will keep it here,