Magellan the comedy

Magellan the movie

Magellan the Movie,

Scene 1

A man on a rowing boat, he in medieval clothes, on a rocky sea, blue, and black water, misty, and dark, hear the noise,

Old man
I am a mariner, I have been on this boat for 2 weeks, and have no food left,
Talking fish in the sea
Hmm very interesting you must have very many stories to tell
Old man
Yes I do, have many stories, to tell like I was on the first ship around the world
Yes, and but let me tell you a story, about what really happened on the first ever journey around the world, my name won't officially be listed on the voyage but as I found another way og getting on but let me tell you how it started,

Scene 2
On a boat colourful parrots and such swerve over Magellan's shoulder
Magellan
Well then that was a tough journey, I thought we were going to get sunk in Africa, I would like to on my next journey go to the Spice isles, to find all the wealth there,
And by my journey go via the W, like Columbus awes trying, to do, as of course we have found out Columbus did not discover E-Asia, but discovered a new continent,

Encon the captain
Oh Magellan you re crazy, that is a crazy idea, it could never work,

Magellan
(in a French accent)
Ahh this is delicious as the French

Then the seagull comes down and attacks, him

Magellan
whey whey aaaghahah ah

He then walks along and falls through a trap door,

Magellan " ambitious visionary but is making mistakes allot"
I told you not to open the trap door yet

Ercon "respects Magellan as a great leader"
Oh gone already, he's quick he always goes for a swim our captain, he is so eager he is so eager,

Scene 3
Talking in a boardroom, Magellan, and ercon, and some others discuss in here, Look at http://www.lonympics.co.uk/
Magellan
Ok what do we need for the journey now we have got our money to do this off the evil dicatorous king of Spain whose colonial efforts have killed over 50million native Americans, well will this century anyway

Ercon
"Says something totally ridiculous like rowers, well I think we need,

Financial adviser (Expert knowing voiced advisor who is an expert in such details)
No we will need 3 ships, we will need the sails, we will need clothes, we need 50 barrels of wine, 50 barrels of flour, 10 kegs of beef, 10 brushes, and of course salt, and maps, and underclothes

Ercon
Ahh I get it, so we use the underpance as sails, I suppose, the brushes as blah blah a long list of hilarious wrong views of what each supply is for.

Expert Advisor
What is the draught of the ship.

Encon
None. We keep all the doors and windows shut.

Expert advisor
Now I see form the plans that the poop deck has a few problems.

Encon
Look I know we have a bif problems with seagulls but that is now justification to refer to out deck as a poop deck.

Expert advisor
It is a nautial term. It doesn't mean poop.

Magellan
I want the floor to be so clean, that I can see my face in it,

Encon,
But the floor is made of oak, HMMM

He puts a picture of Magellan there, Look at http://www.lonympics.co.uk/

Magellan
And I thought I told you to turn the fridge light off, the last time I looked it was on,

Encon
Pardon my French but lets cut the oui oui and just tell us the costs of this trip.

Magellan "a bit like Oliver hardy"
NO no don't be stupid, no no, that's not, it, not it,
Is it,

Expert advisor
No I Ehh, think we just need the bear necessities

A image of a bear is shown, having a bath (man dressed up as a bear) he is using a long sponge, he then in next scene is brushing his teeth, then next scene, him driving a Ferrari then next scene him brushing his teeth with a electric tooth brush, then next scene him in an expensive café, then him spraying ion posh aftershave, then him arriving at a airport passenger passing place, and the aeroplane people see him and say sorry too much, behind, him is a line of 7 suitcases, and he is holding 5

Friend adviser who is also going on voyage who is a dash clever
No, no, we all know what these are for, they are just playing with you like in experts, to get a better price from you,
"he thinks, surely they are not stupid, this is like fooling you rivals"
yes we will take these for this amount and that for this amount,

They shake on it, and make a deal,

The king's advisor who makes the profits says whose also shaking on the deals
Whose also there aswell
BAWOOOGAGABAWOOGA 50000 big ones,

Magellan
We've been done

Scene 4

Meanwhile outside,
Is servant the man who was on a boat,
With a extremely long pipe, so he can hear the conversation, which is throughout the scene, reaching to where they are, he does not need it as he can hear them, but the joke is that he is using it to hear them,

MAN on a boat
Hmm I could go on this voyage and get all this delicious food,
But how will I get on, I have no sailing experience, and I would also be one of the first people to sail around the world, as he looks at the map of the world, and thinks what a great thing that would be, he looks out the window and sees a dog going onto a boat and say I will dress up as a dog

SCENE 5 rory believes it should be narrated
He's walking to the boat dressed up as a dog

Magellan
Its great to have a dog here

Magellan
Walkies
Man dressed up as dog runs around allot, and gets dins dins,
Lifts up leg to show he dog, everyone claps,

Magellan he must be a dog

King's advisors
I have just spent the 25000 profit on this ahahahh I am a typical snobby con artist who takes money off people, I have made loads of money
And hahhahhh look at their boat

His snobby noble girlfriend
Ahahahhahaha
They are nerds

Man on boat now dressed as dog hears this

Kings advisor
Ahhh you have pissed all over us,

Magellan's crew laughs

King's advisor
You have ruined my costume now all the colouring has come and now it is just a worthless rag

He then pushes his girlfriend into the sea,

Kiong's advisors
Grrrrrrrr grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I will have to find some other haw,

Magellan

A fine piece of work, we have a good crew, we have a good mission, and we now will start the good journey

Scene 6

They are on the boat at sea, sailing towards Brazil passing the Azores, with those high mountains,

Magellan
Next stop Rio De Janeiro,
Okay so here we are we have 5 ships, 5 boats, and 5 captains,
Victoria, san Antonio, Santiago, Trinidad, and Conception,
We have a complement of 60 each, 2 sails and canons, flags behind us, we are here to find a sea roué to the E Indies

Seagulls attack Magellan

He falls into the trap door

Magellan
I told you just to shut that trap door

Encon
He must have gone for a swim again

Crow's nest walks up from below deck carrying a fire extinguisher.

Crows nest
I just found one of our crew with a stick in his mouth on fire, don't worry I put it out.

Encon
No that was someone smoking, It is a new craze using tobacco.
I have told him he is addicted. But he is in denial.

Crow's nest
I thought it was the Amazon.

Scene 6
Crows Nest
Magellan has gone to sleep, he has said wake him if anything happens

Encon runs into Magellans rooms

Encon
Magellan wake up, wake up

Magellan
What is it

Encon
The International Ludo championship draw has been made Spain, have got Portugal

Magellan
Grr grr, why did yopu wkae me up for that, grrr nooooooooooooooo

He falls asleep
20 minutes later

Encon runs in again and agains shakes him

Encon
Magellan Magellan, the Hamsters, have beaten the Eagles at curling

Magellan
Stop waking me up for unimportant things,

Scene 7
Pirates see boat,

Pirates in Walter Raleigh slaving accent
hahahah we are just about to catch some slaves, so we can get money for the evil English monarchy, but look a fleet of Portuguese vessels, on the horizon lets catch them then we be even richer, that's capitalism, for yoyo hahahh
we are from the intentional confederation, of criminal pirates,

Encon
The i c u p

Pirates,
you what you what you deranged mad man, you all say this to me, it just makes, me want to attack more,

Scene 8

Crewmate
Help help there is a fire on the ship,

Encon
Help help I will look,

Runs downstairs

They see a fire ht heated type, cost 100 ducats,

They go back upstairs

Crewmate from below
I have just been down to the swimming pool, below, I never knew they had these things,

Encon
Swimming pool, huh, I will have a look,

Magellan also from below deck,
The waters a bit salty has anyone got a towel, I do not remember getting in here,

Encon,
Ok lots of rats are leaving the ship,
Hmm what does this mean, waters a bit too salty, and it is growing into my cabin,
HANG ON I never had a swimming pool in my cabin. And I would have brought swimming trunks if we did,

Dog man (realises)
Woof woof, flood

Magellan
What noises are you making what crazy noises?

Dog man woof woof woof flood, we flooding we sinking, woof, woof.

Magellan,
That almost sounds like words

crewmate
Help we are sinking we are sinking get off the boat get off the boats,

Magellan
I will stay down and pail out the water bring this note to encon it may help, passes to dog

Encon
what does this say more purples more purple

he throws some purple doe, into the ship gully

Magellan
More people more people,

Crewmate
I'm going to the other ships,

Magellan
Yes me too, me too,

Magellan and crew swim to the other ship, and get on lifeboats,
With dog aswell,

Scene 8

Magellan gets on other ship, it is now full up,

Pirates come up to boat that has been abandoned,

Pirates Walter Raleigh
ok lets skittle our boat we don't need that anymore, we will get on this boat, me hearties,

Crewmate
Oh look captain those pathetic people have a swimming pool lets get on it

Boat sinks with loss of the snobby pirates

Scene 9
Some of the fleet members are left in Brazil, as the boat is full up
The rest dock in this port
While in Brazil things occur

On a sandy beach restocking with stuff

Magellan
So we are fishing
Magellan sees a crewmember catch a huge fish
He puts in his bait into a fool bubbling with cracking mouth teeth
And out comes the bait there nothing there,
He put piranhas pool fishing was wrong

Magellan
I don't think I will go for a swim there,

Humming birds buzz past him

Encon
Look a shark

Magellan and Encon run around being chased by a man in a shark suit, and crowds run away from the beach too

Scene 10

Magellan watching TV in his cabin, on TV, the news is on,
Satellite goes a bit fuzzy
TV news says

TV reporter
Main news today Queen has a sore toe,
AND NOW for the trivial bit of the news
Massive famines and epidemics in South America wiping put population, and 500 Protestants were caught today and burned at the stake,
In other events England burned 500 Catholics in Ireland
AND Ivan the terrible in Russia is besieging and massacring the population of Novgorod,
Rangers have defeated Celtic by burning all their players, wow that catholic protestant rivalry really is an intense match.
And poor city news after the stock exchange collapsed, after efforts to float the world's,
Share prices have remained stable but trying to put an ocean liner on top of a building has once again proved to be problematic.
And here are some highlights of the bull fighting.

Scene 10
Scene of a bull having a fight with a matador, The bull is man dressed up in a bull costume with boxing gloves, boxing with a matador. Who is also wearing boxing gloves and a red sheet.

Bull
Keep your dukes up keep your dukes up. Moo Moo.

Matador
Look red towel run at the red towel, don't you want to run at the red towel.

Bull
Ooooh stop showing that red towel. Moo Moo Mooo. How often do we have to say this

Magellan
Okay I can't watch this, this cruelty, I am changing the channel.

Comedy
Spanish medieval version of cheers,

Scene 10
Narrator say they now enter the straits of Magellan, the most terrible straits on Earth
They all act swerve heeeh eheh
They do not even reached their yet

Encon walks in calmly

Encon
We haven't even reached the straights yet,.

Magellan
Oh dear I should not have smoked that stuff the natives gave us, my campaign to legalise this substance for medicinal purposes (wink wink) will never work

Magellan
Ok here are the straits
He gives the dog a lump of prime meat

Dog
woof woof

Crewmates
He gets everything Treats for the dog, left over for the crew thanks a bunch.

Dog
smug smile, appears on his costume

Scene 11

At the Captains table
With the 6 captions and the dog

Magellan
OK here we are all the captains of the ships at our special captains table.

Sixth captain comes in, arrives
Okay everyone brush the floors

Now shuts the door and sits down

Magellan
Hang on there are seven captains here, there are only menato be six. I have worked out one of you is not a real captain,. I will be watching all of you to realise which one of you it is,

In the straits its tough action

Scene 12

Magellan
Man the yard arms get on the sails

Sixth captain
Well get off the yard arms, get off the sails yo yo me hardies,

Magellan
Bar of wood up to deck

Sixth captain (now in a chicken legs costume but wearing captains shirt|) chickens head off his back, hanging off
Well Get the rowing boats ready for evacuation
Bar of wood down to bottom deck yo yo

Magellan stands by the captain
I will find out which one of the captains is fake , I just need to find out,

Fake captain
Well well I have to be honest , I cant do this anymore, I have to tell you the truth I is yo yo

Magellan
When I find out who it was I will chuck him off the boat, I will drum him out of the service

Fake captain
Well It was it was I don't know, yo yo ( in his accent)
Everyone up everyone ready the sails, yo yo

Magellan
Hang on it is you.

Fake Captain
I demand a fair court.

Magellan
Well

Fake Captain
Justices not just some random captain declaring the right of justice for everyone without due process or accountability. I demand a fair court not a marsupial court.

Encon
You mean a kangaroo court?

Fake Captain
Ok we'll have one of them then,

Scene 13
Captains official boardroom, used as court
In court Magellan sits at a table with a man dressed up as kangaroo, and Encon is standing by the table. The man dressed up as a kangaroo is the fake captain.
But Magellan and Encon do not know this.

Magellan
I will act as chief interrogator.

Kangaroo
And as this is a kangaroo court I will act as judge and jury.

Magellan
but where is the fake captain?

Kangaroo
Very well we will pas judgement without the star witness.

Magellan
Well Er.

Kangaroo
I find the defendant not guilty.

Encon
Hang on who are you.

Kangaroo.
The judge, and jury.

Encon pulls the maks that kangaroo is wearing off.

Kangaroo
Contempt of court.

Kangaroo is revealed to be fake captain.

Encon
What kind of legal system is thus?
(sarcastically)
Oh this is really fair and just legal system. Oh by the way I was being sarcastic.

Kangaroo
When did sharks become such symbols of irony,

Encon
Why are Americans jumpers so crumpled.

Kagnaroo
Because they don't get ironying.

Encon looks out of window

Encon
oh hang on I think we have passed the Americas, we have passed the Americas after all the storms and winds
It's a bit chillee willy

A man called Chilly Willy stands up.

Mr Chilly willy
You called my name

Magellan
We will call this eastern seaboard
Chilleee

In Tchilli
We actually do call this country Chile, for some reason its our word for snow

Magellan
Ooh how interesting
Now get back to grips, and start sailing west, in a while we will be in the Spice Isles and rich beyond our wildest dreams. I'll just go above deck.

In Tchilli
OK then I be seeing ya.

Magellan
OK then Abyssinia

In Tchillia
Ethiopia.

Scene 13

Below deck

They are watching TV

News person
We interrupts this programme for a n urgent broadcast
Here, is the news,
Only joking.

Magellan
Oh this is sick a, anther time, where they interrupt TV programming, another time for a news really joke event, this is a disgrace,

Magellan
What book are you reading encon

Encon
I am reading book in French as I speak French,

Magellan
Oh what French do you speak

Encon
listen, hmmm, oui oui, poopooo popooo

Magellan
Oh how wonderful the French language has such a poetic resonance,
Oui oui poo poo oui oui poo poo

Magellan walks upstairs reciting the words

Crew member
Whats wrong with Magellan, does he not realise, that the toilet is the other weay,

Encon
Oh has he gone the wrong way to do the toilet
Oh a s the French say, celery and beetroot, celery means that's life in French.

Crew Member
Actually it's pronounced sell a V.

Encon
Oh I see, but what does the V stand for.

Encon
I actually no allot of French words,
For instance when I am being in negotiations I say pardon my French but cut the wee wee,

Crew member
You really are a true brain box to know all these foreign languages, you must have gone to school or something,

Encon
No its all self taught, and in actual fact I have been thinking of becoming the chief interpreter of French and Spanish ambassadors for the local council,

Scene 14

Dog on top deck, while standing up,
Leaning on sail, woof woof,
Talking to seagulls
Well we have been here for ages, wooof woooof, I'm going insane talking to myself everyone talking to me like I am a dog, I'm going insane

Fake captain, walks past
Well Oh my he is talking to seagulls, I am going insane, insane, I am , yo yo

Scene 15
Below deck
Magellan's birthday

Encon
Don't tell Magellan we will have a surprise for him, as its his birthday

Crew member
I no what to do

He hoes up top Magellan behind his back

Crew member
Whoooohohhoho in a huge loud voice,

Magellan runs away

Magellan talks to himself
I think with all this planning they are planning a mutiny.

Crew Member
We have a present for you,

Magellan
Ooooh ohhh what is it what is it,

Crew member
we have had a big meeting, keeping a secret from you, it will blow you away.

Crew member is holding a parcel.

Magellan
Blow me away what is it gunpowder. Ahh gunpowder.
It's a mutiny it's a mutiny

Magellan runs around, and throws their rapped in cloth thing off the boat,
Only to see it is a golden fleece from Brazil

Magellan
Huuuuuuuh,
Sobs a little, as
I thought it was a gunpowder I am so sorry I thought you were doing a mutiny and you only wanted to give me this present that you saved your money for.

Scene 15
Magellan is looking at picture on his boat.

Magellan
Hmm I am a great admirer of the arts like the great paintings at the moment being painted in Italy,

Encon
Hmm yes I am too,

Magellan
Yes can you name the great renaissance artists at the moment most famed

Encon
Yes

Magellan
Who are they then

Encon
Donetello, Leonardo, Michaels Angelo, Rafael, and of course shredder,
Teenage mutant ninja atyutrle4s, heroes in half shell

Magellan
You know I bought this painting for a six figure sum.

Encon
Wow how much 300,000 500,000 euros.

Magellan
No 6 Euros.

Scene 16
They approach Easter Island

Crew Member on crows nest with crows in it, squawking,
Look it's a island, look at those huge figures,
Land ahoy,

Magellan
We shall land, we shall land,

Scene 17
They land on Eater ILSDAND,

Magellan
We shall find their natives

Encon
You talk to them,

Crew Member
You talk to them

Magellan
you talk to them

Crew member you talk to them

Natives
Hello, hello, its is so0 nicer to see you hello, who are you

Natives another
Yes its nice to have visitors
It's rare for us to have them.
We have to build our own heads
To make its emm
Like we are meeting ew people you see,

Scene 18
They all go on a tour around Easter island following the tribal chiefs people from the population follow them

Tribal chief
Here are our giant heads as you can see this one has not on it's nose,

Tribal chief
We will have a big dinner, you bring you food we bring ours

Magellan
Okay we will do this,, then,

If you would like to see the second part, go to

http://www.lonympics.co.uk/magellanpart2.htm

Here are some other sites

Here are some more sites, there are books and articles on the subjects in many internet places, or internet book shops, bookstores, at the bottom, are lists of which were the worst regimes of the past few centuries.

An Index with links to almost all our sites.

A site on the El Nino Famines that killed 10s of millions of Indians, and Chinese and others in the 19th Century

The Highland Clearances and it's full terribleness

Gatlinburg Cabin Rentals

A Multiple Choice Quiz On Animals

A list of some exiting Adventures across history

The Entrance to the INTERNET SAFARI, with animals, most of us had never seen before.

The Entrance to the Internet Sea Safari, with more creatures many of us have never seen before

A site on the Belgian Congo, and how the king of that land killed 10s of millions of Congolese

Why the French Revolution was good

Worst 18th Century regimes

Get a Mousemat with maps of the 4 major Voyages of Columbus