Magellan the comedy

Magellan the Movie,

Part 3 continued from part 1 and 2

part 1 was http://www.lonympics.co.uk/magellanpart1.htm

But here is part 3,

Scene 29
They have sighted Hawaii

FAKE CAPTAIN driving the wheel singing the song from the musical,
If they could see me know, man the yard arms, man the sail, crows nest crows nest,. What the crows nest, whats the front of a boat called, this boats going a bit slow, tell the rowers to work a bit harder,

Encon
what rowers

Fake captain
The rowers I have been ordering about downstairs

Encon
they are stirring the pudding

Fake captain
So my orders have just been getting more mix in pudding, that explains why soup has been so runny, that's two mysteries solved in one day
Byt they way what time is it.

Encon
I don't know I've lost my watch.

Fake Captain
looks at wrist watch which is a sundial in a piece of band round his wrist.

Fake Caprain
Big hand pointing to 3 small hand pointing to the 5. Han on a minute their shadows, why have a ig got two shadows on my sun dial. This thing must be broken.

Starts looking at sun dial analuyically to see what is wrong with sun dial.

Fake Captain.
Take a guess judging from the position of the sun, and the direction of the wind, and rumble in my stomach. I would make agues at 29:00 hours, of course in fly years that about 97 years. Let me translate that for all the flies.
Buzz Buzz. Buzz Buzz Buzz, and for the crows squack, Squack, squack.

Encon
Have you thought about the poop deck

Fake captain
Yes we have to find some way of stopping the seagulls, pooping all over the place

Crows nest
The pop deck is a part of the ship, a part of the ship

Scene 30
Singing Paul McCartney's song, about going fast, they go really fast in and out of islets

Crows nest
Live and let die

Fake captain
Xdud dudu duidud

Encon
Help help

Fake captain
Hahahhhha

Encon
This is too cool,

Fake captain is drinking alcohol
He pukes up on neighbouring islands as he passes,

Encon
Wrestles the wheel off him and shouts that this should stop,

Scene 31
Encon get off in Hawaii, and watches the surfing

Crows nest
Watching the surfing

Encon
Yes it is a pass time, for them, we will go as we have to carry on leaving, but less us purchase some food,

Dog falls on a banana peel, and slips into the sea, onto a walking the plank wood, and goes into Hawaii, landing, onto the isle, and wins the surfing contest,

Hawaiians think he is the leader as he is so good, and put flowers over him,

Hawaiian citizen
Talks in Hawaiian tongue

Dog realises others are near
So barks,

Scene 32

Magellan wakes up in his office

Magellan
What has been happening?

Encon
Well for the last 2 days we have been drinking coconut juice, relaxing, and such,
We decided not to wake you,

Magellan
Well I have been doing the same thing, while I was dreaming I dreamt
That I was sitting in Spain, and someone said the worlds got a 50ft bull, and I said so whats that got to do with me, and they said, well its your job to tame, it, that's when I woke, up,

Encon
I must say that was remarkable

Crows nest turns radio on

Caller
Hello I was playing match of the day I was 99 nil up then it went to 100-0 and it then became 0-0
Hello hello

Magellan
So whats life like here, is it sophisticated

Encon, well not really I mean they only have 5 TV channels

Magellan
Ok well we better get moving get back on the road west, the Spice isles can not be that far away,

Encon
Okay we will be off them,

Magellan
Well I have not even seen the islands yet

Encon
Well it was basically like any other islands, with surfing, tourism, that sort of thing, anyway fake captain was sick, after drinking on one of the unoccupied islands, and has decided to say there, with the people, with some other, infact one of the boats is staying, so we are now down to 2 boats, for the rest of the journey.

Magellan
Oh got ill eh was there a doctor.

Encon
A doctor in a telephone box arrived and told everyone to run away from a bin with a plunger on it, after a while the man said I don't believe it I have made the same mistake again.

Magellan
But did the illness get helped.

Encon
Well they did have a food fight and so were unable to go any further as of a serious injuries o their laughing abdomen, and funny bones,

Magellan

You say surfing, what is surfing

Encon

Surfing, well I dont know,

Crows Nest

I have too much ironing to do,

Boat shakes about, Crows nest, falls in and lands on the ironing board, then surfs it towards land, the Hawians see and decide to start doing it to,

Encon

Well that must be the first time somebody thought of something before it actually happened

Scene 33

Back on the boat sailing to the pacific they pass a blue whale that passes in the see,

Crows nest
Hey take a look at that is that an island

Magellan
It's very small

Narrator in snide vice, persons
hoh hoh he think that's small

narrator
well it would be for an island, you are an imbecile, you are fired

Cheers from the audience

Scene 34

Crows nest
Cohh this tiring up here, really tiring

Man in cows best
Yehh this is tiring

Crows nest
Look land ahoy,

Encon
Look land ahoy

Magellan
I think these must be hallucinations. I cant see anything. The whole crew is hallucinating. All I can see is the sky, sea, and that green horizon over there.

Encon
Look through the telescope look Land ahoy.

Magellan
Oh I'm not falling for this trick that the oldest trick in the book.

Rubs ink of telescope.

Encon
But it is land look the green horizon is land, see.

Magellan looks through telescope.

Magellan
That's incredible more land an its plenty of it. As they say in France Sacre Bleau, , and as they say in Spain Bawooga Bawooga. We are nearing the other side of the planet.

Magellan lowers telescope down to reveal ink around eye.

Magellan
What a moment of history. Quick get a camera to take a photo of me I want to remember this moment. our names Right then lets land, someone gets me my expensive dinner jacket from my cabin room. I want to look my most elegant for this landing, of history. Oh by the way I need some conversation starts for the meetings. Give me some tips.

Crew member
I have a few how about a I have just farted.

Magellan
I cant say that on a diplomatic mission

Crew Member
How about have you lost weight.

Magellan
But this is a culture that has not has western contact for hundreds of years. How can I say he has lost weight.

Encon
Everyone we are landing

Dog who is still wearing a Hawaiian stuff?
Woof woof

Scene 35
They land in Japan

They enter the port of then Japan; it's most important city at that time, the city of

Magellan
Look at that castle it is huge

Encon
Yes it is a large and huge castle or fort,

Magellan
I believe we should investigate,

Japanese person speaking in the microphone on Japanese TV
Hello, hello, you are the first Europeans in Japan for 80 years we watch all your TV programmes, such as medieval cheers, set in a bar in Boston in England, and Seinfeld, set in Old York, last of the summer wine, and don coyote. and Dr Poo and the Turdish on aswel.

Magellan
I myself have also watched the, what about a dog that supports Aberdeen football club, important job a at a university,

TV crew leave they turn round
The microphone turns out to be a squirrel not a wind guard, and say well that's all for today folks

Japanese guard
Hello I am from the castle, and we are threatened by new people enteri9ng, please come to our palace and we investigate to check if you are ok

Magellan
Is he ok?

Japanese guard
Yes he is, infact in the wars he has fought for every side,
Oh yes, but also against every side,

Scene 36

They are shown entering, and now entering the dinner party

Magellan
I will try to impress everyone with my sense of humour.

Magellan places an inflated whoopee cushion on chair then sits on it.

Magellan
You see. It was all a joke.

Encon
But the whoopee cushion was not inflated.

Magellan
OK I admit when I am about to embarrassingly break win I place whoopee cushion in the ibncinity, and pretend the noise was the whoopee cushion

Magellan
OK everyone shake hands

Magellan shakes Encons hand

Encon
Arghh. Electric shock. You had one of those electric shock buzzers.

Magellan
Yes that's right it's my sense of humour.

Encon
But where is the electric shock buzzer. On your hand,

Magellan
It isn't on my hand, it is on my leg. I have been carrying the electric shock with me all day. Waiting to play this joke. So whenever I shook anyone hand the shock would also got through me to them as a joke.

Magellan turns of electric shock buzzer.

Magellan
At last it's a relief to finally turn in it off.

Japanese Emperor
It is truly an honour to meet you, I do love meeting new people, and famous foreign leaders, and gullible famous celebrities who I can get street cred from. One wrote my favourite book, the autobiography of me, I do love reading about myself.

Magellan
Hey you,
Shouting at the servants
Bring us the fish

Encon
Uuuh this is not cooked, I'm sorry this is not cooked,

He throws it behind him

Emperor's wife
Not cooked not cooked we do not cook it it is a delicacy

Encon
Ohh hhh I like it that way. I eat raw food.
isn't it funny how you are called empress and me encon, look at the amazing similarities,

Empress
bemused

Encon, encon, emperor encon emperor

Magellan
That's right keep them on side, these look rich we want their gold

Magellan
Eats the food, and pokes the chopsticks into his meat,

Encon tried eating the chopsticks,

Encon
These breadsticks are a bit tough.

Magellan
You are so uncultured.
Look you e eat with the stick.

Magellan pokes sticks into food, like a dagger. And eats fish like it s a barbecue stick.

Emperor looks anger

Encon
Oh no we must have insulted them, lets stop them from being insulted,
I will tell them a joke,. What nation would be best at quacking,
The ducks,

No response

Magellan
I know what sort of things these cultures like, they like farting after a good meal

Encon
No no, that crows nest, who likes doing that

Magellan Puts hand over mouth
faaaarrrrrrt
faaaaaaarrrt

Emperor's wife
Cough cough cough cough

Magellan
It wasn't the whoopee cushion I am enjoying the meal.
That did not work, I tell you what I will go through to the kitchen and get the next meal

Cook, secretly he gives Magellan the soup in the kitchen

Magellan
I know they like their food hot in the east

Cook secret assassin
Yes they do

Magellan
Do they have any gold mines?

Cook
Yes they do, and some of the rival warlords in the country have even more
Oh no one of the cups has got lipstick on it now I have to clean the outside of the cup aswell as the inside.

Magellan
Right I'm gonna be real good to them

Encon
He says he wants it very hot, extra hot for the emperor

Magellan
Right put it on full blast

Microwave pings in Japanese tone

Crows nest
I'm hear for the food.

Magellan
With crows nest beaming for food behind him

Magellan hums theme tune to superman

Magellan
Is it a bird, is it a plane, is it helicopter not it's Souperman, and you will enjoy eating this soup.

Carried the soup in

Magellan sits

Emperor takes his sip
Oooohhhhh

He shouts in horror at its heat

The soup has blal in it, it is so hot

Magellan thinks this the culture and jumps around too, after taking his sip,

Magellan
Ooooooooh
oihhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Encon,
Returns from toilet
You know that brush you use to wipe your bottoms is a good idea

Empress
What brush

Encon
the brush that sits in a cup, by a tube of toothpaste, we do not have it in our country indeed, we have toothbrushes which look exactly the same, and have the toothpaste going on it, but we do not have it, infact I thought I just had imagined it, oh sorry, that was a toothbrush

Scene 37

Magellan and Encon with crows nest running away to the ship

One scene is them hiding behind a door, that when it opens hides them
Magellan moves the others along realising immoderately that they will be really well unable to escape,

Magellan
Help help

Encon
run for it

Crows nest look a hut

Magellan
Lets hide in it the guards are round that corner, we've outrun them

They enter the hut

On TV is a person talking in front of the palace behind

Magellan
Says oh look the background behind That reporter must be giant he musty be hundreds of feet high.

Encon
O that's background. The reporter is just ordinary height.
Look at the other channels.

Encon looks at other channels showing London, a reporter standing in front of background of the giant House of Commons.

Scene 39
In TV palace
The reporter is outside the palace,

Presenter
So Magellan has left the meeting and it has not been good, it was very hot, the emperor is believed to have banned contact with outside for decades,

Scene 40

Magellan hears

Japanese crows
Screams
Look at the size of that TV presenter

Scene 41
Beside the presenter Godzilla, is the same size as the presenter doing a rival TV programme, for monster TV, Japanese style comes on and starts attacking the palace,

Scene 42
Magellan
See the reporter was giant.

Remote controls falls on floor and flicks onto TV in London.

Magellan and Encon and crows nest run away, aerial view, and see the Godzilla and tv presenter and scarper and reach the boat

Scene 43
Footage goes back to London suddenly loch ness monster walks up to reporter in London

Loch Ness Monster
Hi I'm Nessie I'm just visiting from Loch Ness.

Just before getting on the boast
The crew arrive in front of massive crowd of Japanese soldiers, a bit like eth way they faced in star trek

Magellan
I will handle this I will tell a joke

Magellan
Hey what do you call a man whose bond on a beach

No response

Magellan
Sandy

War chants from Japanese soldiers,

Magellan
WHAT do you call a dog with no nose

Then they see boats coming into scene,

The long pole on the front excelently catches them and tosses them into the back, of the boat, landing in a pile of seagulls,

Scene 44
The boat spurts away just escaping the grip of another monster,

Magellan
Look at the size of that monster

Crows nests brother
Yes it is big
He thinks they are talking about a big cat in his hand

Crows brother
Yes the cats have pretty sharp claws

Scene 44

Magellan
That was close we have been going south for a long time

Encon lets start heading west again

Scene 45

They sight land it is the port of Macao,
A port held by the Portuguese,

Magellan
Oh well I'm Portuguese, but I do not think they will know who ia m

Encon
We better re-stock after Japan, but we should have reached the Spice Isles by now,

Magellan
I think by the looks of it, it is Macao, the reasonably young Portuguese trading colony, on the Southern end of China, according to that fact that we have just been to Japan,

Scene 46

Magellan walks past a bookies, and has a cent

Magellan
Writes a huge accumulator bet

Better
So what are you betting on

Magellan I'm betting on a huge number of horses, and snails, and caterpillar racing

Better
You are betting on high odds they will never win

Magellan
I have a system, bet on the outside, its fool proof, 500 to 1, 500 to 1 if you win you win big if you osoe so what there you go so it there it goes

Magellan
IM going to make millions M going to buy a cruise liner, a small island and a palace like the one in Japan, but far from monsters,

Magellan
This is the first race,. Of h sorry, sort
As he budges through to watch he patronising smiles,

Magellan watching first slug race,
Begins to frown as his slug is not moving

Magellan
No no this is an outrage hurry there, hurry there,

Everyone else looks shocked even those who were cheering t winning

Magellan looks and sees his caterpillar is not moving either
No no

His horse his fioibng swell though but falls negind

Magellan
Noo no
As he sees he looses

Magellan
Shouts in full horror

Magellan
Goes up to the bookie
This is a disgrace you are a disgrace this is fixed, I should have won, this s a con this sia fix,

[People leave the betting place

Magellan
I'm leaving I'm leaving
I should have gone for my other system that means I always win all the races.

Encon
What system is that then

Magellan
Bet on every horse in every race.

Encon
Oh look all the professional gamblers are betting on what colour shirt the PM will be wearing, next week. Look they are all betting that he will be wearing a shirt labelled sure fire.

Magellan
I suppose it goes toe prove professional gamblers only bet on sure fire shirts.

Outside

Encon sitting like a tramp, with dirty clothes
Hello I've spent all my money by betting on the favourite,

Crows nest walks past a church
Inside the church

Pastor
And what can have come for in this anti-addiction drive I can only help a few people a week,

Beggar
I have come to wean myself off being an alcoholic

Royalist
I have come to wean myself off being a heroin addict

Businessman,
I have come about greed.

Pastor,
Well, it's a tough one, but get little businessmen, here, so come in,

Businessman sits on the beach and starts preying

Businessmen,

Monks arrive to read what he has

Buinsessmen party at the alter
Please make me your greedy,

Pastor
This is not right, I want proper problems, you should be not wanting to be greedy,

Monks
But its what we have to say for you every time, when you say let me win the bet, and what about the prayers we get form all the leaders they are the same,

Scene 46.5

A crewmember is seen about top bet a boxing match

Crewmember
I will take 10 on the big guy

The fight occurs and the boxer holds the belt above his head, and defeats the big guy

Scene 47

Magellan in casino playing poker

Magellan is sitting round a table. With 4 card sharks, and the dealer. It s a casino organised poker match where an employee does the shuffling of cards. Magellan is wearing a sock as his tie.

Magellan
It said on the sign I had to bring a shirt and tie, I don't have any spare ties so I brought this sock is that OK.

Dealer shuffles cards round then hands out the cards.

Encon (whispers to Magellan )
Put on the poker face I taught you to do.

Magellan puts on Poker face. A smiling excited facer as if he has just won.
Yippy.

Encon (shouts)
You idiot I told you to that face when you has poor hand not when you had a really good hand. Remember unhappy face when you have good hand and a happy face when you have a poor hand.

CARD SHARK ONE
OK I put in fifty of these tokens.

CARD ShARK TWO
I see your fidgety and I raise you twenty.

CARD SHARK THREE
I see your 20 and I raise you seventy.

Card shark four
I see your 20 and I raise you 150

Magellan
I see your tokens

Card shark three
And!

Magellan
Well I can see them.

Card shark three
Well how much you raise them by

Magellan
I have no tokens,

Card shark three
Well you can play then.

Card shark three
Will anyone raise me.

Other card sharks shakes heads.

Dealer
Well lets see what hands you've got then

Card Shark one
4 aces. And the 4 of clubs.

Card Shark two
Oh man that is quite a hand.

CARD SHAKR ONE (reaches over to take tokens)
Thank you very much

CARD HSDAKR THREE
Not so fast.

CARD SHAKR ONE
What!

CARD Shark THREE
Five aces.

DEALER
You can't have five aces there are only 4 aces in the pack if you have 5 aces you must have put cards in the game.

CARD SHARK THREE
I know these are my own cards.

DEALER
You're meant to use the casinos cards only.

Scene 48

Magellan
Oh some of tricks those casino card dealers play in the there are incredible. Look I'll show one. I bought a pack of souvenir card

Magellan holds out cards to Crows nest

Magellan
Pick any card. Without showing me which one it is,

Crows nest takes card from pack.

Magellan
Now is it true that that card was not the seven of spades.

Crows Nest
Yes. How but how.

Magellan
I thought so.
Isn't that trick incredible and I normally get it right 51 times out of 52.

Crows nest
That is incredible how is it possible,

Magellan
Well I'll show you how
Magellan pulls out another card from his pocket and reveals it, see the seven of spades.

Magellan
Here is another

Magellan
Pick any card

He is holding out 2 cards

Crows nest takes a card

Magellan looks at the card

Magellan
Is your card the 9 of spades

Crows nest
Hey look at this the football fixtures

Ottoman empire,
Versus the Holy Roman Empire

Magellan
Oh that will be a tough one, the Ottomans are massacring 1000s as they march through Europe, I would like to be a steward at a football match like many people, but I would not like to be a stewars at that match,

Crows nest

Scotland versus a French regional select of Brittany, Lorraine, Nancy, and Anne Dora, And also Paris, a niece, and Burgundy,

Magellan
Oh Scotland is the greatest team in the world, but those are the 7best women footballers in France and the rest of the Pyranes.

Encon
Yes and Wales have the best players faster that, but of course the English are trying to steal all the players

Crows nest
Same as ever

Crows nest

Transylvania versus San MARINO

Oh it says here, Transylvania have been barred, as the blood drinking emperor, is apparently a bit scared they might lose

Russia, at the moment led by a brutal dictator massacring his people.
Versus Venice

Russia may have been Apparently a terrible massacring dictatorial king,. that burns the civilians of rival towns, but Venice they are happy they have not been drawn against the English, at their football hooligans,

Antwerp are playing Manchester United

Magellan
Oh the rich team, they have lots of money
Antwerp are a rich team, the centre of much medieval trade, yes Manchester is not, it is very poor,

Cheesemainia versus the united states of America

Magellan
I've never heard of that country before,
Where is the united states of America

Crows nest

And finally Spain versus Portugal

Magellan
Oh no, oh no, oh no oh no how will I keep order
Oh no oh no

Encon
Oh we have to make sure the crew are OK. I wonder what they are all up to.

Magellan
Oh you know the young and all this modern music they'll probably be in there disco dancing to all the new modern music.
its not like the music of my day. It is just noise.

Encon
That what everyone says about their generation of music although I actually think this generation of music is superior.

Magellan
It is just noise I don't know how people can listen to all this classical music it is just noise. Lets go to the disco and make sure the crew are all OK.

Encon,
By the way I have this tuning fork, to make sure that your musical instruments are ok, I bought it in the markets we passed

Magellan
That is a tuna fork, not a tuning fork

Dog
Yippee. I used to be a Scottish werewolf but I'm all right och I dunooooooooooo. (howls the ooo bit of och I dunoo)
I used to be Scottish cow but I am all right och dun Mooo Mooo.

Scene 49
Disco
Ship crew all dancing to classical music as if it is rave, and heavy metal music put together. And heavy tins banging, and chickens clucking every so often

Magellan
My word this music is just noise

Crew Member
Wake up granddad, this is the new age of music.

Magellan
Lets hear some real music. Like ACDC, or Metalica.

Disco higher level

Ship crew all dancing to classical music as if it is rave, and heavy metal music put together. And heavy tins banging, and chickens clucking every so often

Magellan
My word this music is just noise

Crew Member
Wake up granddad, this is the new age of music.

Crew Member
Open your mind to some new music. It might make a big impression on you.

Magellan
Impression.

Encon
Speaking of impressions would you like to hear my impersonation of the king.

Magellan
OH then.

Encon
Here is my impression of the king on the toilet.
(makes raspberry sound)

If you would like to see the fourth part, go to

http://www.lonympics.co.uk/magellanpart4.htm

you are around half way through

Here are some more sites,

http://www.lonympics.co.uk/top10englishspeakingcountriesinpopulation.htm